The Definitive Supreme Court Justice Kinkiness Rankings
This piece was picked up by Pink Monkey Magazine. You can read it below or by purchasing the magazine (available in stores and online).
I like my courts like I like my Taco Bell Double Decker Tacos TM- Supreme.
That said, most of what I know about the legal system I learned from the lyrics to 99 Problems by Jay Z 1 and a film about a hawt babe who follows her handsome ex-bf to law school only to discover that she can be a lawyer AND a hawt babe (even when her hair is in a ponytail) AND use a computer AND make a new handsome guy fall in love with her EVEN IF SHE WEARS GLASSES because anything is possible for hawt women in the 21st century.
I think it was called Legally Blonde and it basically made me the uber-woke feminist I am today.
Naturally, my judicial pop-culture background in conjunction with my passion for all things supreme led me to wonder:
How would the supreme court justices be ranked in terms of sexual weirdness?
After minutes of scouring every corner of the internet, it became clear that no definitive ranking existed. The American people needed answers and answers I would provide.
The following peer-reviewed rankings are the result of exhaustive research and should be accepted as incontrovertible truth. Enjoy.
1 “Well, my glove compartment is locked/So is the trunk in the back/And I know my rights, so you gon' need a warrant for that”
While this Aquarius certainly is a tall2 drink of water, you’ll want to swim, Roe, or Wade3 far away from this sinking Carnival Cruise ship of a lover. Coming in last place is Supreme Court Chief Justice and part-time L.L. Bean rain pants model, John Roberts.
Figure 1. Chief Justice John Roberts recalling a heartwarming scene from his favorite movie, Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- You into role play? Plenty of opportunity here- John Roberts looks just like your high school social studies teacher, probably.
Totally weak:
John Roberts’ wife is named Jane and his children are named John and Josephine. Can you really trust someone with an alphabetical family? Yes, of course...if you’re cool with spending the rest of your life locked in an underground bunker with all 12 of your J-named sister-wives.
John Roberts looks exactly like the name John Roberts sounds. Don’t expect many surprises from this guy.
He’s a wealthy, white, republican male so if you’re a woman, he’ll work really hard to get you off-
But Megan, that’s a good thing!
Let me finish. He’ll work hard to get you off of your birth control. And don’t think you’ll get to pick the baby’s name cuz we all know how this sociopath works 4 .
Ruling: 1 Marilyn Mansons-worth of Sexual Weirdness
2Actual height unconfirmed
3He tried to overturn Roe v. Wade. If he were in a raft, I’d overturn it because it’d be a beautiful metaphor and I’m one poetic motherfucker.
4You’re having a baby named James and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Tom Riddle5 once alluded to the fact that seven is the most magical number. That makes sense because nothing short of magic and maybe some high grade horse amphetamines could keep you awake during a sexual encounter with our seventh place finisher, Anthony Kennedy.
Figure 2. She’s so lucky, she’s a star/ But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart thinkin’/If there’s nothing missin’ in my life/Then why do these tears come at night?- Lucky, Britney Spears
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Known as the court’s swing voter aka this guy’s open to anything ;)
- Anthony Kennedy reminds me of a cocker spaniel 6 (see Figure 3.)
Totally weak:
- There’s never been a reported sighting of Kennedy not wearing a robe, though it’s rumored he occasionally switches between ‘judge’ and ‘bath’.
- Grew up in California, the exact same state where the zodiac killer (who was never caught) zodiac-killed a bunch of people...
Figure 3. Anthony Kennedy? A cocker spaniel? A faceblend of Anthony Kennedy and a cocker spaniel? Impossible to tell.
Ruling: 1.25 Marilyn Mansons-worth of Sexual Weirdness
5 Lord Voldemort when he was hot
6And those dogs are total freaks.
Despite our next judge’s pro-environmental rulings, she can’t help but make the globe a little bit hotter.
Coming in sixth is the Supreme Court’s resident hottie, Sonia Sotomayor.
Figure 4. “If this is Miranda wrong, I don’t want to be Miranda Right!”
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Had the ‘Sex in the City’ theme song as her ringtone and didn’t even realize it 7 cuz she has transcended into a post-sexual existence.
- Sex icon Ricky Martin is from Puerto Rico and so are both of Sonia’s parents. Oprah says there’s no such thing as coincidence.
- If you arrange the letters of her name, you can spell “Astronomy”! 8 Ever see Avatar? Nothing’s more sexual than space.
Totally weak:
- Hottest member of the S.C.
Rule to live by: Always exercise caution around hotties- Unlike the rest of us, they’ve never had to get creative in bed in order to distract a lover from their disgusting face.
Ruling: 2 Marilyn Mansons-worth of Sexual Weirdness
7 100% true. Start listening at 22:50.
8 + some extra letters
Thomas the Tank Engine and our next justice have a lot in common. They blend the line between a human and a steely machine produced by society, unable to stray from the ideological tracks laid before it9. Plus they have the same name.
Ladies and gentlemen, coming in fifth place is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
Figure 5. Clarence Thomas has historically ruled against having a safe word.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Believes in “strict punishment” aka BDSM
- Has ruled against environmental regulations so it follows that he isn’t worried about toxic air so it follows that he’s into letting himself choke so it follows that he’s into autoerotic asphyxiation.
- Went a decade without asking a question in court --> Silence is Golden --> Golden Showers --> Clarence Thomas likes to get peed on (?!)
Totally weak:
- This guy loves NASCAR and you know the old adage: “You’re only as sexually interesting as the sports you watch.”
- Has actually been accused of sexual harassment which is beyond the scope of this article, but for the record, is exceptionally un-sexy.
Ruling: 3 Marilyn Mansons-worth of Sexual Weirdness
9 Then again, free will is simply an illusion.
Do you love NBC’s former hit television show, “The Office”? Well then you’ll hate our fourth place finisher- Give it up for Supreme Court Justice and jaundiced Toby Flenderson look-alike, Stephen Breyer.
Figure 6. Stephen (left) and Toby (right). Heavy lids, light hearts.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Name rhymes with Stephenie Meyer, America’s foremost proponent of bestiality
- Supporter of LGBTQ, minority, and women’s rights which, now that we’ve re-entered the Dark Ages, essentially makes him the Frank Zappa of the supreme court.
- Spent a great deal of time teaching at Harvard, a mere 22.8 miles from Salem, Massachusetts10.
- Frisky-looking eyes
Totally weak:
- Probably only listens to smooth jazz.
Ruling: 3 Marilyn Mansons + 1 Bjork-worth of Sexual Weirdness
10 Male witches are notoriously weird in bed.
Our third place finisher is perfect in every way, so it makes sense that she is in the goldilocks zone of sexual freakdom 11 . She does 20 push-ups a day- that’s 10 times more than I’ve done in my entire life. As a kid, she was a baton twirler and even if she never twirled a flaming baton, she totally could have. Also, she loves the opera because she’s a classy bitch.
Clutching the bronze is Justice Ruth “MasterBader” Ginsburg.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Has a lace kerchief for every occasion, some with crystals (see Figure 8).
- True Fact: A species of praying mantis, llomantis ginsburgae, was named after her.
Second True Fact: Female mantises have been observed “selectively cannibalizing smaller males upon mating”. - Some people make fun of her fucking colossal glasses, but Ruthie is nothing if not pragmatic: “All the better to see you (facedown and tied to my victorian mahogany bed frame as I crack your supple ass with my riding crop12) with, my dear.”
Figure 8. Coquettish AF.
Totally weak:
- Out of everyone’s league.
Figure 9. Ruth thinks you could use a good lashing.
Ruling: The perfect combination of 3 Marilyn Mansons, 2 Bjorks, and 1 Queen Victoria-worth of Sexual Weirdness
11 Not too freaky, not too tame- juuuust right.
12 Did I mention RBG is an equestrian?
Second place is for winners. Disagree? Explain Clay Aiken.
Our runner-up for Most Sexually Weird Supreme Court Justice goes to Elena Kagan.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- Had her high school yearbook photo taken wearing a robe and holding a gavel. Our gurl wasn’t even worried about fitting in as a high schooler, so imagine how uninhibited she became once she got a few miles under the ol’ robe.
- Has never married cuz she likes to play the field. Also likes to play softball on a field.
- Shares a birthday with Scottish crime novelist, Ian Rankin. Spooky!
- Thurgood Marshall used to call her “Shorty” which in itself is enough to fuel a lifetime’s worth of hot, liberal, Supreme Court fanfiction.
Totally weak:
- Middle child.
Figure 10. Loves some good oral argument.
Ruling: 4 Marilyn Mansons, 2 Bjorks, and 1 50 Cent circa 2003-worth of Sexual Weirdness
Here we are, our number one finisher. But weirder isn’t always better- Just ask Ted Bundy or any of Tom Cruise’s ex-wives.
If you went to public school like I did, you probably don’t know who’s coming next even by process of elimination.
Quick shout out to America’s public education system for allowing this list to have a surprise ending!
The crown for the number one Most Sexually Weird Supreme Court Justice goes to the one, the only-ish 13 , Mr. Samuel Anthony Alito, Jr.
The Evidence
Big ol’ freak:
- While at Princeton, headed a student task force that wrote a report on "the boundaries of privacy in American society” and determined "no private sexual act between consenting adults should be forbidden". That’s cool and all, but, like, no consensual sexual acts should be forbidden? None? Not even gerbil stuff?
- Alito can put both of his legs behind his head
- Alito is the 29th most popular person born in Trenton, NJ, only beat out by a few massive A-listers such as DJ Telly Tellz and Revolutionary War hero, Molly Pitcher. Wow!
- Mom’s name was “Rose”. Yes, just like that nympho from Titanic.
Figure 11. Look at that smile and tell me this guy’s not repressing some dark shit.
Ruling: A record setting 5 Marilyn Mansons + 2 Dennis Rodmans-worth of Sexual Weirdness
13 His father is also named Samuel Anthony Alito
In Memoriam
Antonin Scalia was the 7th most popular person born in Trenton, NJ and the 9th most popular member of the Supreme Court. He will probably be missed.
CLOSING ARGUMENTS
In these exciting times, it’s easy to lose sight of what truly matters.
It is my dearest hope that this list has helped to remind you, my sweet reader, of our most vital task as Americans- to hypothesize about the sexual tendencies of political figures.
Go forth as dreamers, you beautiful pervs.